Downtime Headfuck

August 15, 2010

Downtime is a headfuck so I thought I’d write about it.  As a freelance cameraman or for any freelance person, the greatest benefit of how hard we work is the free time between jobs.  Or at least it should be.  I love the work I do.  It's the best job in the world.  But sometimes when I’m on a set my mind wanders and I think about all the stuff I’m going to do when I get some time off.  I dream up huge personal projects and schedule my time to the minute.  I think of all the things I need to do to be productive and help me and my business when I get back to work.  I think of friends I want to hang out with and places I want to go with my family.  I think of crazy things I want to do, like get a sidehack.  I make all these plans.  Then reality hits.  I get home from the trip or wake up the day after the job ended and I’m tired, sore and miserable.  I don’t want to be around anybody, don’t want to do anything for anybody and would be happiest sitting in front of the PS3 playing SOCOM Online all day.  I waste my time recovering poorly.  Time grows short, another job comes along.  I end up prioritizing and just doing the most important things and too many things get left behind.  I end up feeling guilty that I didn’t use my time productively enough.  Sometimes I can feel resentful that I had to do something I didn’t want to and that my time which I worked so hard for is being squandered.  All these emotions plus, if there’s nothing booked out on the horizon, the feeling of fear that I’ll never work again or won’t be able to pay my L.A. Times subscription can make the downtime a real emotional rollercoaster. 

I think people don’t like to admit they’re not working all the time.  Most people want to be perceived as some sort of robot that just works their ass off and makes a billion dollars a year (or more).  Sadly that’s much of what people value in L.A. and in this industry.  I think if you were to ask an agent or manager their opinion they’d rather it seemed like you were always working really hard on some brilliant piece of cinematic genius instead of what you’re actually doing, which might be just getting your head back on straight.  The commercial market is cyclical.  You can’t really predict the cycle though.  Lots of holds come in all at the same time and this year’s busy period might be next year’s slow period.  Taking advantage of these slow times can be the best downtime-work you can do.  Even if it’s not directly doing stuff that is related to your specific craft.

It took me a while to come up with a strategy to avoid the between job dumps that works for me.  Any advice I’ve come across on the web or in books for what to do with your downtime always has a list of things that are solely work focused.  Stuff like redo your portfolio, refine your skills or other bullet points that are obvious if you’re ambitious.  I believe the most important thing is to reinvigorate yourself so that you don’t feel like you never had any time off.  Something that gets you excited for that next job or creates a spark of creativity.  For me there’s a few things that keep me from getting all spun out.  One is the gym.  It acts as a sort of soft reset.  If I’m feeling like shit and don’t want to do anything but I go to a morning session anyway, I ALWAYS come back feeling sweet.  I’m not super strong or buff or anything, but going to Legends MMA and learning Muay Thai and taking their MMA classes and others has gotten me through some really rough times.  I’m not particularly good at what they teach yet but still it’s awesome to get my mind working.  Focusing on the things I learn and burning off that extra energy can get me motivated and keeps that “I’m not working, OH NOES!!!” panic-y feeling at bay.  Also it keeps me strong for the physical side of the job and mentally sharp for dealing with whatever difficult stuff my work throws at me.  I always end up feeling creative with some crazy ideas on my way home from there -something I want to try at work or a color look to mess around with.  It keeps my mind super engaged.  I can’t think about anything else but what is going on in right in front of me.  It’s not just going and grinding away on a treadmill.  You’re not going to get punched in the head on a treadmill so you can let your mind really wander there and it gets boring.  My other obsession right now is drums.  I have been playing for a couple years, but I’m back into it heavily right now.  Drums are so awesome.  Again it’s another thing that trains the mind to be sharper and it’s completely different from the world of cinematography although somewhat more applicable.  I find myself counting in to give cues for different things on set all the time.  Then I get my gadget geek-out on with my 5D rigs and I’m filming with those a lot for fun.  Making little films with friends like DDII keeps the filmmaking muscles strong too.  Going and seeing new movies and reading a lot are also great ways get inspired.

Downtime is part of the freelance experience.  My brain and my work ethic can tell me I’m not doing enough if I’m not on set getting paid.  Of course there’s always the business stuff to do like updating the reel and website etc.  But it’s the fun stuff that makes the downtime rewarding.  Hanging out with my wife and kid, going places with them and friends and just being alive are all better when my mind isn’t obsessing about what’s next.  There’s a couple lines from Capt. Willard in Apocalypse Now: “When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around the walls moved in a little tighter.”
Basically, I don’t want to be like Capt. Willard, getting softer in the hotel room waiting for a mission, punching mirrors in a drunken stupor.  I want to be like Charlie, always on a mission, squatting in the bush getting stronger.  So fun should be part of the mission, right?  If you’re always on the mission, and everything you’re doing is involved in that mission then whatever you’re doing right now is making you stronger.